Choices

In an odd way, having more choices actually places a much greater burden on women, because we become the creators of our circumstance, whereas, before, we were the recipients of them. I’m not saying we should have less choices; I’m saying choices are not always as liberating and empowering as we hope they will be.

Interesting quote.  I think it applies to all kinds of issues, not just pregnancy.

IF you just keep hoping

The other day, my mother asked me, “So, several people have been asking me about your status.  About what’s going on.”

“About what?”, I not so innocently asked.

“Oh, you know…about the doctors and stuff…reproduction-wise.”

“Oh. (of course this is what you meant…I just wanted to make you say it)  I told you we were on a break until the new insurance kicked in, didn’t I?  Everything is ok for now.  I am not hiding the infertility.  Tell them.  More people should talk about it.  Then it would be less of a shock for those of us experiencing it”

“Well, that is your story to tell, not mine.  I don’t want to say too much.”

 

I think for her, discussing our issues feels like gossiping…but if I had cancer, would it still feel that way?  Maybe, maybe not.

WE SHOULD TALK MORE ABOUT IT!

This and that and the other

It has been a few days since I blogged anything.  I wish I had my camera with me to show you all that has happened.  Basically, our house fell apart, AGAIN.  Involving the following: major leaks, kitchen cabinets in the living room, rust in an eye, upstairs toilet in the guest room, destroyed tile, mouse poop, crazy mold, and a hottie contractor.  More on this later.

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I have started my new job and it is going to require some schedule adjustments.  Aka—must grow up.  I get up in the morning and work on my old job for an hour or 2.  I bike to work and work for about 7+ hours.  I bike home and workout.  I then work for another hour or 2 on my old job.  I make dinner and go to bed.  Something has to give….

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I am still doing Insanity and have only 2 weeks left!!  The weight IS STILL NOT moving.  I am staying between 149 and 151…and that is still 10-15 pounds above where I want to be to feel good, given my small frame.  So so frustrating.  I think it is a product of getting older.  EEK!  I will stick with it.  I will start P90X when I am done Insanity…I think the additional weight training will help.  I also need to do better on the weekends.  Invariably, by Friday morning I am like 148.5….and by Monday morning I am 151.  So, yeah.

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A sweet baby boy has been born (and he is really a cutie-pie:) and I am nothing but ecstatic!!  He is perfect and will be ridiculously loved.  I can’t wait to hold him and smooch him and I am so proud of my bestie and her hubs:)

Another friend asked me if I was bothered by the joyful birth.  It was a kind, thoughtful question.  No, I’m not.  Not for this couple…in fact, I will happily proclaim him to the world as my nephew:)  I wish infertility was not always running in the background.  I push it away each time it rears up to give me another small, deep cut.  I have my eye on Winter.  If I can make it through Winter, perhaps something will have changed.

 

My continually perfect failings

We are about a full year into dealing with infertility.  I have been surprised a lot. 

I have been surprised by how many people face this issue and by how few talk about it (outside of the bloggy world).  I have been surprised at the denial and disconnection many women have with their bodies.  I have been surprised at the lengths to which women will go to conceive……and at how common weight-issues have become in terms of fertility.  I have absorbed copious amounts of knowledge and research papers and statistics.  I have heard the words unexplained and felt like the medical establishment had failed me.  I have been surprised at our openness to alternative medicine and interventions.

Through all of this……I/we am ‘almost’ perfect.  My BBT charts are almost textbook (aside from ovulation being 4-6 days late…and my LPD is treated with Prometrium).  I have lots of eggs.  My hormones are all right.  I get my + OPKs.  Mr. Ology has plenty of sperm.  We time sex incredibly well.  No PCOS or Endo or damaged tubes, and while my weight is not where I want it, I am not considered over-weight. 

Yet……nothing happens.  Month after month of “pretty much perfect” == nothing.

I have resigned myself to fertility drugs, and I continue with the revitalizing health/exercise/diet plan (which is getting another overhaul, but I have not quit!).  Regardless, it kinda sucks.  Actually it really sucks.  As always though, it could be worse.

Just yesterday when the hubby jokingly said “So, are you preggo yet?”  I responded with a “nah.”  “How do you know?”, he asked.  “Because I am never pregnant…this month is no different.”  That is how I really feel.  I am willing to walk the mile, but I believe that IVF will end up being the end-game for us.  sigh.